As some of you may or may not have noticed, I haven’t been making any posts on the blog nor have I really mentioned anything pertaining to Haiti on my other social media platforms (Facebook or Instagram). By the way, I really want to thank the few people who have come up and asked me “what”s going on with your blog? I really like your idea”. I really appreciate YOU! LGH will always be my baby but … sometimes in life, we have intentions and genuine desires and sometimes in life, they get crushed and the path is not always straight, this detour in my life is absolutely necessary and maybe I will come back to this. I hope I will, but also, I may not. And that’s okay too.
When I graduated from college in the US and decided to move back to Haiti, I really had no clue what I was going to do there. In fact I was so undecided that I missed 2 of my flights back and kept pushing my departure date. I even did a 7 day water fast because I felt so lost and was begging the universe for signs. All my life, all I knew was school and now that that chapter of my life was over, I had no idea who I was or what I wanted for myself. Up until that point, I had been doing what my parents told me to do. I did everything by their book: I was a good girl, I did well in school, I controlled my appearance (no tattoos, no extra piercings, no hair coloring), I even kept my virginity (TMI?). I was that “perfect child” and I was so lost and purposeless.
So when I got to Haiti, the same pattern continued. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to follow in my father’s footstep (Agriculture) or my mother’s (Education), both of those things were near and dear to my heart but to be honest with you I wasn’t passionate about either one. I just knew I wanted to help Haiti and both of these were excellent ways to start. In the end, my mom, being the most assertive and coercive one lol, convinced me to not only manage her kindergarten but to get a certificate in Childhood Education, which I did joyfully because these children are just precious. But deep down, I felt that this was me postponing yet again what I REALLY wanted to do with my life. But the gag is, I had no idea WHAT I wanted to do with my life. I just felt that this wasn’t IT. But the fear of venturing out into the unknown just kept me stuck in this routine I had gotten myself into.
Fast forward to three years later and literally everything in my life comes to a crumble.
- Remember when they would ask us as kids what we wanted to be when we grew up? Well, my answer at 4 years old was that I wanted to have my own kindergarten because I thought mine sucked. So fast forward 20 years later and I’ve manifested this experience for myself and I have high hopes but I’m coming to the realization that it’s all a big sham. My experiences with the Department of Education in Haiti is just buffoonery (I would have to write a whole other post about that). The certificate I’m supposedly obtaining from this school which is supposedly the best school for Childhood Education in Haiti is a joke. These future preschool teachers I’m “graduating” alongside are mediocre at best. I loved them as people and I applaud them for their aspiration but this was not even high school level education. Not to mention that I felt cheated out of not being a valedictorian (that’s also a whole ‘nother story”. I mean all my idealistic hopes of a better future just all came crashing down. It was just TOO much that needed to be fixed about the Education system. It’s one thing to hear it, it’s another to live it on all levels. So here I was with the single life goal I could remember ever having, completely demolished. I was crushed and bitter.
- Just a few months before my graduation, my dad died from a cancer that they found a little too late. Then a few months after that, my 18-year old cousin died in a car accident. And the thing about death, though it is something I had been mentally preparing myself for since I was a child, living in the unsteady political climate of this island, it raised the question I had in my head for years: WHO AM I? and WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS BODY AND THIS PLANET??? and this time I couldn’t keep postponing finding the answer. I was always fascinated by mysticism as a child. Honestly, mysticism came looking for me as much as I sought it. I just always felt that there was more to this life but it’s as if everyone was just pretending to keep going on and playing this game of play-pretend when what really mattered was “over there”. It was the elephant in the room that no one really gave too much importance to. They would talk about it, I’d hear stories but then it was like “Ok! story time is over! back to “real life” you go! back to school and work and marriage and children and all that basic survival shit”.
So here I was.
Life goal, gone.
Life purpose, demanding to be known and not taking “wait” for an answer.
I booked a one way flight back to the US and drove myself straight into a depression
Every day I contemplated ending my life
Why wait for it to end if I could just end it now?
This purposeless routine of day and night
At first it was easy to put on a happy mask for people around me. So no one knew.
I’d stay locked up in the room and just think and cry
Until I was so deeply immersed in it that I became physically weak
My friend took me to go see this shaman and I remember telling him that I was so tired, I felt like I’d lived a thousand lives and there was no meaning to me still being here to which he replied that I had to create a new me
Whatever the fuck that meant
That sounded like way too much work
For many days I stayed like that
Days turned into weeks and into months
All the while I kept searching for answers and came across the possibility that maybe suicide wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be
What if I committed suicide only to realize that I was still in the same predicament and had to come back on earth to fix the issue
And for a while that feeling of feeling stuck in the rigged mocking game of life felt doubly devastating
So one day, don’t ask me where the strength came, I decided I was going to give this life one last shot. I convinced myself after watching a video of Sadhguru (I still remember which video) that I needed to go to India. I just needed to get there.
The funny thing about desires is that… I’ve been wanting to go to India since High School but I never actually believed I could get there. But the moment, I decided that going to India was life or death and nothing else mattered, at the snap of a finger everything came together and less than a month later I was boarding a plane to India.
Did going to India save me? laughs
If anything I came back and lost parts of my self. I was lost, but in a different way. Perspective just humbled me and made me different. I wasn’t clinging on as hard to aspects of me that I used to. I didn’t take any pictures of my own while I was there and I don’t really like talking about my trip to India to people because it was such an intimate moment for me. I just came back different. I still had no life goals except to know who I was. That thirst was undeniable even when I tried to run away from it by trying to yoke myself into relationships that I knew would never fulfill me. And ironically, not surprisingly…..
- My relationship with my lover and another potential lover at the time both crumbled in the worst ways. Life was not leaving me any other chance to avoid answering the questions WHO AM I & WHY AM I HERE??
So, to wrap this up… Upon returning from India, I was entertaining thoughts of living on our farm in Mirebalais and just growing food there, away from crowded “civilized” capital of Port-au-Prince… but the passion, the pull just wasn’t there. Everything that had happened in my third year: my bitter experience with the school system, my dad’s transition, my bad breakups, the predictability of messed up political climate, frankly, just left a stench about Haiti in my thoughts. And so again, I left. As of right now, I have no desire to go back. Honestly I like where I am now. I like the life lessons I’ve faced and have been facing since. It hasn’t been easy at all. But I’m in a space where there is at least some level of stability where I can focus on my spiritual practices, my only priorities. It took me a while to get to this mental space but I’m grateful to have finally gotten here.
Thank you for supporting me on this journey. Death doesn’t mean the end of it all. It just means the beginning of something new.
So keep greening loves, wherever you are ❤